Dear {GOD}

Dear God,
Hey I am glad I finally found you. Thank you for your truly genuine and unconditional love. I’ve searched for so long and had so many heart breaks and let downs that I almost gave up. But, like only you can, you showed up in the nick of time and saved me from myself and the downwards spiral I was heading for. I ask you how you can know all my flaws and faults and still love me the same. You reply because your flaws keep you humble and your faults push you to grow. Besides you are imperfectly perfect. I remember nights filled with tears, confusion, and destruction. I was flooded by a storm from which I had no shelter. I prayed for rescue and even though I could not see you I know you were there watching over me and protecting me. I’m not sure how but I made it through. There was no way out but down. I had been falling for so long I got tired of screaming. But with you I need no physical voice, just the internal voice that speaks from my heart and bypasses the reasoning of logic and sense. You see because you make your own reason and its makes its own sense. People think I am crazy when I tell them I have fallen head over heels heart over mind in love with you. I speak the words because they are whole heartedly true but my action sometimes still contradicts them and for that I apologize and ask for your patience. As in any relationship it takes time to work out all the kinks and give up the I’s for we’s . and I haven’t had much experience in this love thing. I promise that I will do my best and give my all to make this a life long commitment.

Intimacy......What is it?

Webster's dictionary defines the word (Intimate) as belonging to or characterizing some one's deepest nature, or a warm personal and private nature. But what does it mean to me? I've asked myself that for a while and I think I have finally found my answer. Intimacy is knowing me in and out, being so connected that its almost like you can read my heart and mind. Even when I walk around with you a smile you know that under it there are uncried tears and unspoken words....and because you are who you are and we are so emotionally and spiritually intertwined I don't ever have to speak them and you know what to do to comfort me. We are seen by others as one, never to under mind who we are as individuals, but to enhance our strengths and minimize our flaws. I believe that intimacy is not limited to a relationship between lovers but that a intimate relationship can be held by parents and their children, siblings, and friends. To be honest the most intimate relationship I have ever had is between my daughter {McKenzie Ariel Brown} and I. Even before she could talk she knew what was wrong with me and had her own little way to say "mommy, its okay". I hope that one day i will meet someone who i am willing to let into my life and heart and to achieve that special kind of intimacy that makes sparks fly and missiles launch! lol. But if I never do at least I can say I knew what intimacy felt like and it was well worth all the wait!

thoughts

So lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about ......well...any and everything. I know that last time I wrote about wanting a boyfriend but honestly I am so not ready. I am not truly comfortable with me and I sure can't seem to get a handle on my ever changing emotions. Why is it that the hardest person to get along with is yourself. You always seem to judge yourself harder than anyone. I finally realize that I have let myself down with some of the decision i have made in my life. I have lied to my self in order to spare the feelings of others.
But no longer will that happen..(well it will take time but atleast I've started) Its okay to be awkward and to not always fit in as long as I am true to myself!

uncried tears....unspoken words: "Where's my script?"

You ever feel like you where living in a movie and you were the only one without the script? Well thats me right now, the things happening around me seem straight off the screen. This movie is obviously a romance chick flick, everyone around me seem to be blissfully inlove and it all happened in an instant. And well.....I have noone. I didn't really feel the need or want for anyone untill now. All the people around them must have a director coaching them in what to do and say to make the magic work, but where is mine. Everywhere I go I see hand holding, kissing , the token "I love you" being spoken with perfect timing and emotion. And all I have is nerves and insecurity. I mean I think I want someone to past the time with, to share a laugh with, or even something as cliche as walk along the beach and enjoy a sunset or two. But I'm for sure that I am not ready for a "BOYFRIEND". I guess I kinda feel like an extra in life. Maybe just once I would want to be the leading lady or even her sidekick. haha! I have some ideas for a leading man but you will just have to wit for that information.

Grab a ticket and get in lne for the ride!!lol

Hello out there to any one who is willing to read this! I am a young woman with so much on my mind that I need a place to put them until I have time to deal. Lets see....I'm a 22yr old single mother to a beautiful 18mo baby girl. I love my daughter but it gets hard sometimes. And her father .......well thats a whole nother story in itsself. So to be completely honest I just need this "space "to vent the stresses of the day, and to anounce the joys of my life. So here I am right now inviting you on this ride with me...hold on its going to be interesting.